Beginning a Meditation Practice

While I was at the gym this morning, I ran into a friend of mine. We chatted for a little while and figured out that we had something in common. We have both sometimes found ourselves with an overload of rage, which is not typical for either of us. There are many different ways to deal with our feelings, but I have found meditation to be a miracle for me so I recommended to her that she give it a try. She asked me a few questions about how to get started and I realized that it might be helpful for others to create a post about it.
When you’re ready to start meditating, you may be unsure of how to begin. The best way to start your practice is to just give it a shot. Here is a simple meditation for you to try. Start with only a few minutes and build up as you become acclimated and more able to center yourself into stillness.
Many experts suggest your meditation be in the morning, but any time is a good time for peace. Find a comfortable place where you will not be disturbed, away from distractions.  Leave your phone in another room so that you are not tempted to check it. Sit in a comfortable chair, on a pillow, or in your bed. You can ground yourself by keeping your feet on the floor, or if it feels comfortable, you can sit cross legged, which is also called easy pose.

To tap into your connection with the universe, sit up straight but not straining, and place your palms upward on your knees or lap. The idea is to get comfortable, but also to signal your receptivity to the guidance you wish to receive. Your pose should be something you are able to maintain during the entire meditation. Roll your eyes in and upward, focusing on your third eye in the center of your forehead.  You may enjoy some soothing nature sounds or calming music. There are also many guided meditation albums available which are fantastic, especially for beginners.

Proper breathing is imperative. Take your breath in through your nose, slowly and deeply. Allow your breath to exit your mouth completely. Keep your breathing slow and steady, deepening with each pass. When you breathe in, let your diaphragm expand, and as you exhale, it will contract. This is called yogic breath. Focusing on your breath helps to remove the likelihood of idle thoughts distracting you. As a meditation beginner, you may discover that your mind likes to wander a lot. This is normal. Allow those thoughts to pass and return your attention to your breath. Keep focusing on your breath, in your nose and out your mouth. Sometimes, you may find that simply focusing on the breath and letting your body relax causes a tingling sensation in your hands or feet. You may also notice twitching in your muscles. These are normal reactions known as the relaxation response where the parasympathetic nervous system is activated and that's exactly what you want. We spend so little time allowing the parasympathetic nervous system to conduct the repairs and regeneration it is meant to do to restore us to optimal health.

Try these mantras out as you sit in stillness.

As you breathe in: I love myself.

As you breathe out: I release judgement.

Breathe in: I accept myself as I am.

Breathe out: I release negativity.

Breathe in: I am whole and loved.

Breathe out: I release fear.

Reminding yourself of these mantras throughout the day when you're not meditating helps to rewire your brain.  You'll become more likely to release negativity as it happens and reenter peace thereafter because you will no longer want to attach yourself to the mental drama you set on repeat.  You release it and it's over. 

Remember, meditation is a practice.  You'll get better with each attempt.  Start small and release your expectations.  Mastery will eventually come to you, as long as you simply begin.'

If you enjoyed this post or you have a questions, please leave a comment.  To find out more about my work and coaching services, visit my website at www.joannasantanen.com and sign up Club Love email updates.

Dating and Parenting Are Not Mutually Exclusive

For the parents who love to use their children as a way to protect themselves from the "danger" of a relationship: quit it.  You’re only hurting yourself and preventing your children from having the opportunity to learn from another loving person.  I was raised by a single mom after my dad passed when I was little.  While I respect that my mother was able to handle it all on her own, she also missed the opportunity to be loved by a man and denied me the chance to have another father figure in my life.

“No one will want to date someone with (so many) kids.”

One, two or ten children, parents need love just as much as anyone else.  A friend of mine married a man with six children when she had none herself.  She delights in being a stepmother to his children, and finds fulfillment that she wouldn’t have with a non-parent.  Sure, blended families have their unique challenges, but that doesn’t mean that everyone isn’t better off for being together. My friend’s marriage just goes to show that just because you have children, even if you have lots of children, it doesn’t eliminate the opportunity for you to find true love.  If her husband had believed that, she never would have met him and found the happiness that they share.

“I’m worried my partner will try to raise my children for me.”

This might seem like a wise parenting decision, but it’s more an excuse not to put yourself at risk, rather than protecting your children.  Obviously, if you find yourself with a partner who wants to weigh in on your parenting, you should listen but remain in control of your decisions.  Another person’s input may actually be a good thing, especially if they’re coming from a place of love.  You hold the power to veto anything you don’t agree with, and set boundaries that your partner needs to respect. 

“I don’t want my children to be forced to share my attention with another person.”

This is a sticky one because while your children should be at the top of your priority list, they should also learn that you are human, and deserve to have a loving partner.  This excuse would never even come into play if you were in a nuclear family scenario.  Mommy and Daddy aren’t doing anything wrong by loving each other when baby comes along.  More importantly, no good comes from children who never know adversity of any kind, and frankly, if sharing your attention with another person is their greatest challenge, they’re doing great.  A balance between togetherness time with the children and alone-time needs to be a priority, so that the kids feel loved and nurtured, but so does your relationship with your partner.

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3 Reasons You're Still Single

Here's few more reasons you've probably been telling yourself for why you're still single when you don't want to be.  

“I’m too shy to meet new people.”  

At one point, every person you know was someone new in your life.  Some relationships are easier to start than others (family members, for example) but you had to begin somewhere with all of your friends, co-workers and neighbors.  Remember when you were a kid and you saw another child playing on the slide and you’d just say “Hi! Want to be friends?” without a second thought? It was that easy then, and it still is!

Maybe that wasn’t your way of making friends as a kid, maybe you were the child who’d rather just sit on the swings alone, for fear of being made to feel inadequate by the other kids.  If that was the case, how’d that work out for you? You probably spent a lot of time feeling lonely, wishing you had a friend.  Now that you’re an adult, I’m sure it’s rather obvious that waiting for everyone else to come to you sure doesn’t work in the real world.  If you have ever had to go on a job interview, you know that staying silent simply won’t get you the job offer.  The same is true when it comes to dating.  I know it can be hard to put yourself out there when you’re really shy, but I assure you, it is the only way to make any change.  Overcoming your fears in the best way to conquer them and grow as an individual.  Shyness is a crutch that keeps you playing it safe and seldom winning, and you need to let go of your irrational fear that you will be chastised for sparking up a conversation with another person.  Moreover, you may not even realize that your shyness is evident to others, even when you say nothing.  Others can perceive your closed-off energy, and they probably mistake your shyness for snobbery or negativity.  While you’re worried that they don’t like you, you look like you don’t like them!

“I’ve been open to a relationship for years, but I’ve never met anyone.”

Well, that’s a flat-out lie.  No matter how much you think you’ve been passed over, there is no doubt you’ve met someone who would have been happy to date you if you hadn’t been closed off to the concept that someone else might find you attractive.  When you’re shy, low on self-confidence/self-worth or worried that you’ll be rejected, you appear to your potential "candidates" as being uninterested in dating, or worse, unimpressed by them in particular.  You unconsciously slammed the door shut on them before they ever had a chance to say hello.

“I get really nervous on dates and look like a psycho.”

Even the most confident among us still gets nervous.  No doubt every entertainer gets nervous before a show and being on stage in front of thousands is literally their job! Your date is nervous, too (even if they don’t show it).  I find nervousness to be a good thing and here’s why.  When you’re nervous, you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone.  You’re GROWING! You’re making progress.  Everything takes practice and apprehension is a normal first stage.  You will make it through that uncomfortable zone if you stick with it.  You have to keep trying to get better.  Also, if you're nervous, don't worry about letting your date see that.  The fact that you're nervous will likely alleviate some of their feelings too, and you can find common ground in the fact that dating is nerve-racking!

Try to accept that nerves are a part of the growing process and you CAN overcome them, even though they might seem insurmountable.  Many of our deep-seated fears are simply illusions we must see as such and nervousness is no exception.  Don't worry: you're not a psycho, you're normal.

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