Creating an Attractive Online Dating Profile

You've finally decided it's time to put your worries aside and start dating online. Great!  Now, you probably already know what you're looking for in a partner, but you're having trouble figuring out how to advertise yourself without feeling like an egocentric lunatic.
Set aside the idea that you're being vane or conceited by creating a profile, and realize that the only way someone will find you is through your profile.  The better your profile, the more likely you'll be to attract the person you're interested in.
What makes a great online dating profile?
First and foremost, honesty.  If you're overweight, admit it.  Don't use a photo of you 50 pounds lighter from ten years ago.   Don't describe yourself as athletic if you haven't been to the gym in over a year. Remember that it will only cause you to appear deceitful if you're dishonest about how you look or how old you are.  You want to be seen for your authentic self, who you really are inside and out, because that's where true love lies.
Sometimes it is hard to see ourselves objectively and we get bogged down about how someone else is going to perceive us.  Don't worry about that.  Think about what your interests are, the things you're passionate about and the experiences you've had.  If you love kayaking, watching movies and metal bands, say so! There's no wrong answer.  Love World of Warcraft? Sweet - maybe you'll meet someone who feels the same way! 
If you're having trouble typing it up in sentence form on your profile, start with a list.  I like to write it down by hand, because somehow, it makes it easier to let the ideas flow.  Create your list of interests and then turn that into sentences.  For example:
My Interests
Health & Wellness 
Art - reading, writing, painting, drawing
Fashion, Beauty & Interior Design
Video games - Mario & Zelda fanatic
My profile could say:
I'm an active woman who likes to stay fit and eat well.  I value my health and take good care of myself.  With my free time, I enjoy reading and writing, drawing and painting.  My other interests include fashion, beauty and interior design.  I also love my Wii U video games.  My favorites are MarioKart and Zelda!
Don't worry about being too fancy.  Just be real, and for crying out loud, use proper grammar.  Your potential date shouldn't have to decipher your bizarre emoji prose.  Before you know it, you'll have a short but sweet blurb about yourself.  Avoid saying too much on your profile.  Save something to be discovered by conversing!



The profile picture is crucial.  We might be superficial but the reality is that we all want someone who is attractive to us.  Your potential date can't tell if they're attracted to you unless you show them your shining face.  Here's some tips for choosing an appropriate and flattering photo.
You need to be the only subject of the photo.  Its too confusing if they are other people in your pictures.  This is where you're supposed to be reflecting YOU, not your bestie or your neighbor.
Your main picture ought to be one in which the viewer can easily see your eyes.  I like the mystique of a good old sunglasses selfie, but you shouldn't use that as your main photo.  Pick a photo that is flattering, but shows your face clearly.

A head shot works best for your main picture, as full-body shots usually make it more difficult to see your face.  Far perspective action shots are cool and a favorite among men.  They do have their place on your profile.  It's really awesome to see you riding your motorcycle/jet-ski/surfboard from a far, but it doesn't differentiate you from another rider/jet-skier/surfer.  Selecting a main picture of you sitting on your bike or board where your face can be easily seen would work much better for your main profile photo.  However, there's nothing wrong with including some photos of you doing things that you enjoy, and in fact, it shows how active and fun a person you are. Just be sure to show YOU, not your toys.

Liked this article? Stay tuned for more excerpts from Perpetually Single: How to Get Out of Your Own Way to Find Love, which launches Fall 2015. 

Perpetually Single? Part Two

If you're single, you've probably uttered one of these reasons why you're not dating.  If so, you might want to reconsider your train of thought.  Check it out.
"Online dating is desperate."
This is a huge hot button for me because I found the love of my life online and two of my best friends found glorious, loving relationships through online dating as well.  Sure, there's a possibility that you might not find what you're looking for, but the same is true of the Target clearance shelf and you still investigate it nonetheless.  Sometimes, you have to wade through the weeds to the find the fruit.
Many are ready and willing to date but don't know how to go about meeting other singles.  Where might these people turn to find lots of other like-minded individuals?  The internet, of course!  This is where the vast majority of relationships start, even if some couples think its taboo to admit to having met online. Putting up a modest profile (with an honest but flattering photo) on most any site gives you the opportunity to start looking for a good match.  Online dating enables you to select someone based on qualifications like age, location, shared hobbies or career aspirations. You are choosing your ideal match from the catalog of candidates. Brilliant.
"Online dating is dangerous."
So is driving a car.  Get over it.  Being savvy about who you engage with comes with practice and experience.  Be smart about who you meet and how.  Always make sure someone else knows your plans and always meet in public.
"Online dating is expensive."
This is true of several of the more popular dating sites.  Let's first note that its not near as high as what you're spending on lattes in a month, but it is an unnecessary expense, nonetheless.  You don't have to use a pay site to find a good match, though paying for the service of a dating site seems to denote commitment to the concept of finding a real relationship for both parties.  However, that's a blanket assumption that idea doesn't take into account that a "relationship" is defined very differently by each individual, and what one calls a serious committed relationship another might say is just a casual fling.  Your commitment to finding a compatible match is what matters.  Ultimately, you'll know if someone is looking for the real thing and if they're not.
"Online daters are just looking for sex."
Yes. And so are you!  Sex is a huge part of the joy of a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to find that connection with another.  Thinking that it's taboo to want to find a sexual partner is just backward when it's literally an instinctual drive of our being.  Sure, there are plenty of players who are just looking for their next conquest.  It's your job to figure out which ones are just trolling. You'll know if someone is being authentic and serious about looking for a relationship or whether they're just looking for some hanky-panky.  The dead give away of the latter is when your communication includes the topic of sex really quickly.  Red flag.  A respectful, potential mate will not violate such a rigid boundary immediately.  You wouldn't meet a stranger and then start speaking completely candidly about sex as part of your first conversation.  The same is true of online dating.  
"No one will be interested in me."
The universe has a magnificent duality about it.  It always balances out the light and dark, the yen and yang.  Whatever you are, however you look, I assure you that there is someone out there searching for just that.  Let them find you and appreciate you as you are.  Don't worry about being rejected.  Instead, focus on what you can bring to a relationship.  Why would they want to spend their time with you? Because you're freakin' awesome. You are already a work of art as is, so showcase it! (Watch for Creating an Attractive Online Dating Profile coming next week for more tips on how to show off your fabulous self online!)

Loving this post? There's more coming soon.  Stay tuned!  Don't forget to sign up for the mailing list at www.joannasantanen.com to stay in the loop.

Perpetually Single? Read this.

I have several friends who continually struggle in the area of dating and relationships.  It's unfathomable how so many wonderful, loving people can't find or maintain romantic relationships.  Granted, we've all had our hearts broken, but some of my dearest friends seem to be completely imprisoned by their fear of being hurt.  Or, conversely, they jump into relationships that aren't right for them, just to avoid being single.  It seems like a viscous cycle of loneliness and shame I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Sure, these folks (not all of them women) have compelling reasons for why they make the choices they do, whether they're overtly aware of them or not.  Unfortunately, many are completely clueless about why they can't seem to find a good match.  I have been researching this topic recently, and I have a few theories about what's really happening.  I've put together a few reasons why many of us are having such a hard time finding a good mate.
For the Perpetually Single Bachelor/ette who's got a million reasons for their discontented lifestyle, I'm calling you out.  You're full of it.  Admitting it is the first step towards change.
Here are a few reasons why you're not in a relationship (also to be continued):
"I'm better off alone."
Many folks stay single for YEARS of their prime, all the while wishing they'd find their mate, though they may claim otherwise - c'mon, who doesn't want to be loved?  Humans are meant to connect with each other in all ways - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.  They're not single because that's what's best for them.  Affection and love is what is best for them, as with all of us.  A newborn who is not held will not thrive.  Everyone need hugs and cuddles just as much to be happy and healthy.  The cat/dog/kid you're snuggling is better off for it, and so are you.
"There's no one I'm interested in."
Really? Seven billion people on this planet and not one of them looks good enough to you?
You've shut yourself down.  Your perception has narrowed entirely.  You're not in the dating market, anymore.  You'll never sell your house if you keep the secret that it's for sale.   You'll never fill the position if you don't put out the Help Wanted ad.  You'll never get a customer if you don't flip the sign to OPEN.  So let it be known that you're available and interested in dating.  There is no shame in it.  Admitting that you're interested in finding love will lead to opening your perspective to see the potential mates that are literally all around you everyday of your life.  The cutie across the coffee shop was totally checking you out while you were focused on your phone, making yourself look too busy to be approached.  Damnit.
"I'm waiting to be pursued by someone who's interested in me."
Now, let's talk about our over-idealized and often totally unrealistic concept of how relationships start. For many of us ladies, romantic comedies have given us the idea that the girl that gets the boy is the one who's just doing her own thing, running her own life.  She's standoffish and aloof at first.  Though it seems to work like a charm in Hollywood, this coy behavior is a major turn-off and will keep you single.  The chase is meant to be fun.  If you want to be chased, you must GIVE CHASE.  You need to seem interested in playing the game, otherwise, there's no point.  Aloof behavior gives off the opposite impression, which is all too much discouragement for the timid potential suitor.  So, while you're hoping and waiting for someone to approach you, you're acting unapproachable and completely undermining yourself in the process.
"I won't chase a date."
Many are endlessly single because they simply lack the confidence to go after what they want. Though it seems like the enviable position to be the object of desire, taking on the role of the chaser can be just as rewarding.  Many women are put off by the concept of pursuing the person they're crushing on.  I can understand preferring the passive, but appealing, notion that if so-and-so is interested, they'll come to you.  However, if they don't know you exist, how is that going to happen?  Taking the initiative to introduce yourself will make a huge difference in the likelihood that one of your new acquaintances, which you have selected as attractive, will come forward to pursue you.  Hiding your identity and dating eligibility from others makes it impossible for potential mates to find you!  Though it might seem tough at first, once you get the hang of a casual introduction, you'll see that it's the actually the easiest part of the courtship process.  Mustering up a "hello, my name is..." is a hell of a lot easier than deciding where to go on a first date, and what to talk about for hours.  Start small.  Say hi.  You can do it!

Queen of Everything

Source

Last weekend, my neighbor was having a garage sale.  She asked me to put out a few things I'd like to sell, which I decided was a great idea.  While I was setting up, we had some early customers.  I didn't pay much attention to them as I was focused on the task of presenting my things in an appealing way.

A woman of similar age to me, approached me and instantly knew my name.  "JoAnna?" She asked. Admittedly, I was surprised that she knew me, because at first, I didn't recognize her.  I am usually able to remember names, regardless of how long ago or how brief the interaction.  It's a "skill" left over from being a salesperson, where every person you meet could be your next client.

I took a closer look at her face and discovered I did know her after all.  "Katie*?" I asked, realizing that the woman in front of me was a high school classmate, and the daughter of a rather-disliked former employer.  Lovely.  

Katie had gained a lot of weight since I'd last seen her, and her long skirt and matronly shoes made her appear much older upon initial inspection, which explained why I didn't see who she was when I glanced in her direction.   My last impression of Katie was when I heard she had slept with my best friend's boyfriend in our early twenties.  In high school, she seemed to think that she was the Queen of Everything in her tight jeans.  We weren't friends, only ever acquaintances.  Also, I worked for her dad for 18 months after high school, and found out just what an abusive jerk he was.  But I figured, first impressions, our parents bad choices and rumors from 15 years ago shouldn't be held against us now that we're adults.  That's just juvenile.

I strive to be cordial and polite in all social situations, and this was especially true then, as she was holding a few of my things in her arms when she approached me.  I felt our interaction should be that of a buyer and a seller, and at most, former acquaintances because really, that's all we were.  Apparently, Katie thought otherwise.

My neighbor teased me for being a social butterfly who seems to know everyone, and we all shared a laugh.  I asked how Katie was doing, as is the customary thing to do, and boy, did she answer.

This poor gal has had quite a rough past ten years, as she told me, at length.  She spent the better part of half an hour telling me all about her rather-serious health issues, her dad's affair and her parents' subsequent divorce, her kids' struggles.  Good Grief! She has had quite a go of it.  

I shared a few updates, like "My daughter is ten, and my stepdaughter is fourteen.  We bought this house four years ago.  I got divorced from my daughter's father seven years ago and it was for the best because I am much happier with my current relationship of the past six years." Suddenly, I'm wondering if I'm the one acting like I'm the Queen of Everything.  Should I fuss about my ailing grandparents or my massive student debt, just to be on her level?

I didn't make comment to her appearance, but she mentioned that I looked great, which was kind of her.  I told her I am a committed exerciser, but struggle with my diet.  Katie complained about her inability to exercise because of her illness, but admitted she knows it would be beneficial.  The cycle of too tired to get fit is quite a hurdle, as well I know.  I was very heavy in my twenties.  Katie knew this about me, and was obviously impressed that I had changed to a much fitter physique.  This situation reminded me that I shouldn't be constantly scolding myself for gravitating toward a higher weight than I've previously attained.  I should be grateful I'm 30 pounds from ideal, and not 130 pounds from ideal anymore.  

I felt somewhat guilty because I suddenly realized that though I struggle in many ways, my life has apparently taken a very different arc than hers.  The gap between us was unusually wide.  I know we are all prone to complaining about out lives, but this interaction gave me a truly different perspective.  I am so grateful I am able to lead such a happy life.  I am also grateful to know that it is within my power to create my life the way I want it.  I wondered what made me different from Katie?

I don't have all the stars I'm reaching for yet, but I certainly haven't been circling the drain like some  of my peers.  Whether by our own choices or purely circumstance, shit happens.  I see clearly now that life is what you make of it.  I once found myself 130+ pounds overweight, in an unhealthy marriage, struggling in every regard of life, and still, crawled back out of that existence into a body with a resting heart rate of 50 beats per minute, a deep and constantly blossoming love, smart and funny kids, and a circle of dear friends and family who I adore.  My journey molded me into a strong and capable woman who makes the most of what she has.  I hope Katie finds a way to do the same.

Regardless of where I have been, I am truly grateful for the life I'm leading, and the chance to make today even better than yesterday.  If that makes me the Queen of Everything, so be it. 

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of others.

Why I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw

You know who I miss? Carrie Bradshaw.  Can I get an amen, ladies?
If you're an American woman, you're probably also a fan of this HBO gem, Sex in the City.
Time passes, we must move on from our savage fandom, but it's still a fantastic show.  I don't care how many years ago the pilot was filmed.  I still watch it.  I still play every slot machine with that theme, without ever winning a dime.
Sex in the City is a stroke of pure genius, one that reflected so much of the challenges women face in the modern world, including all the stuff that happens behind closed doors.  Nothing is off limits, but always presented in a way that makes it okay to talk about.  The things that most would call taboo are laid out for us in a flippantly honest, but cleverly playful way that isn't offensive.  I cheer on the girls when they talk about sex toys as openly as they do fashion.  The glamorous New Yorker lifestyle theme helps keep things interesting, too.
I know I'm treading into fanatic territory here, so let me get to my point.
I want to be just like Carrie Bradshaw when I grow up.  Never you mind that I'm already thirty-something.  She doesn't have to be quite as annoyingly noncommittal though (sorry, its true).  If you're not familiar, let me give you a quick rundown of the character:
She is cool, confident, and yet, somewhat self destructive.  She's smart, funny, ambitious and articulate.  She drinks too much and makes foolish mistakes, but you love her for it because she has so much fun. She fumbles through life like we all do, but she always learns something valuable.  She explores many sides of herself and she tries on ten million dresses.  Most of those dresses are fucking fabulous, some are tragically not.  She has flair and femininity.  She's daring, sophisticated and down-to-earth, all at the same time.  Her style is a undiluted expression of her creativity as an individual, always original.
She's vulnerable, but never shies away from the chance for a new adventure, especially in matters of the heart.  She dares to ask questions that we all wonder, but rarely give much expression to. What's more, she epitomizes the independent career woman, (hello, no 9-5 slavery) while rocking an awesome hairstyle and overly expensive shoes.
Most importantly, she never stops looking for love (and frequently succeeds).
I would like to be able to put my name in place of "she" in that description, wouldn't you?  Sure, Carrie is just a character, but she has many attributes that I think most women want (and how about her wardrobe? yes, please!).  If Carrie is a reflection of the American woman, I want to be able to successfully take life in stride despite all its ups and downs, while working it in a couture gown. Now, if only I could afford the shoes.    

XoXo, 
JoAnna

.  

Tonight's Full Moon

If you had the pleasure of looking up to the night sky yesterday, you might have noticed that the moon looked full and brilliant.  Today marks December's full moon, known to some as the Long Nights Moon.  If you don't follow the patterns of the moon, you're not alone.  There aren't many of us dorky enough to actually pay attention to something that might be completely unrelated to our day-to-day lives. (or is it?)

Regardless of whether you believe the phases of the moon might be playing a role in your personal rhythm, it lends a beautiful metaphor to the ever changing nature of our lives.  Nothing ever stays the same for long.  We ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean, or, say, the varying reflection of the sun's rays off a big rock hanging out several million miles from here.

The phases of my life go something like a pendulum swing, rather than the forward force of a locomotive.  It's desperately annoying. I take two bold strides forward, but inevitably fall two paces backward quickly thereafter.  I strike out to accomplish something then lose my focus or get scared and run away.  It's a ridiculous pattern of behavior that leaves me exhausted and never getting anywhere. I've been treading water in nearly every in practically aspect of my life, never really choosing a direct to swim.    

I've identified this about myself, so at least there's some opportunity to make improvements, whereas most of us linger in denial about such things.  If your life is feeling like a hamster's wheel, I invite you to notice that and CHANGE IT.

This month's full moon means that tomorrow marks the renewal of the cycle, and a chance to create a new pattern for the coming month.  Take a few moments out of this busy season to reflect upon yourself and your behavior.  If you see something in your life you want to do better, acknowledge that.  Decide what you're going to do differently during the next phase and implement those changes to see results.  Being on the same arc as the moon just may be the little oomph you need to make some serious improvements in your world.  I'm know I'm hoping it is for me.

   

  

  

The most reluctant author, ever

The Most Reluctant Author, Ever.
JoAnna Santanen

I have spent the better part of the past two years running away from being an author.  I have backed away from my career in shame, aburptly, and for no apparent reason.  Maybe the stacks of form rejection letters from agents and publishers broke my stride or the fact that I haven't had much success in business lead me to believe I wouldn't be successful in publishing.  I don't know what really happened.  I started making some progress in building my readership, then I just abandoned ship.

When my friends, who are also fans of my work, would mention my novels, I would feel a twinge of grief.  I knew I was letting the dream (of being a full-time self-sustaining author) die inside me. The grass is always greener where you water it, but man, I had turned off the sprinkler.  I quit writing.

I told myself that I didn't like the aspect of self promotion in indie publishing. I thought that letting people know about my books, which they might even really enjoy, was somehow dirty.  I was letting the business of being an indie publisher make me feel like I was being dishonest in some way.  I would tell myself that the business had ruined the art.  

I hold a damned Business Management Bachelor's degree.  Business is my business.  I was lying to myself.  I was making excuses for my "failure" which hadn't actually occurred.  My books weren't raking in the dough, but they were bringing in something, which meant in that regard, they were already a success.  That's probably what scared me the most.

I can't just declare that I'm an author and then suddenly, be one, could I? Yes, I could.  I wrote a book and published it (two, actually).  Is there another definition of author that I'm missing here? No.  There isn't. I'm an author and where I was once proud to admit it, I had suddenly become ashamed.  I had let myself go so far down the shame spiral, I almost couldn't bear to call myself an author anymore.

It all boils down to self confidence.  As with anything, self confidence is key to getting what you want.  You have to be willing to put yourself out there, to risk looking like a fool.  I was shaken by some changes in my family, my life and my employment. I let my fears overtake my goals.  I let my insecurities spread into my work, and though nothing had changed, suddenly I was telling myself that I'm a hack who shouldn't quit my day job (if I actually had one).  My negative self-talk bled into my identity (as a person and as an author) and suddenly, I felt like an impostor. 

I was a horse who was out to pasture so long I forgot there was a barn I could go back to.  

I have a room in my house that's crammed full of art supplies and papers and books.  Its my studio & office.  I am so lucky to have space that's just for creation.  I let it get sullied with a bunch of stuff that shouldn't be there and it stopped feeling like a room of inspiration and more like a storage locker.  Yet another obvious resistance to writing, I was treating my work space like a junk drawer.

Last week, I went to the library searching for some inspiration. I picked up the 2015 copy of Writer's Market, even though I already knew I wasn't going to query my work to any publishers or agents anymore.  I just wanted to feel a little pride in the idea of being an author.  I also grabbed a book about self-publishing.  Unlike Writer's Market (which has been sitting on my counter for the past week unopened), that indie publishing  book took me by the hand and drug me out of my self-imposed prison. I devoured it.  I am a changed woman.  (If you're into writing, you MUST READ: Write. Publish. Repeat. by Sean Platt and Johnny B. Truant.)

This book just reminded me that I was doing everything right before.  Being an author is a career.  One that takes work and perseverance.  I have all the skills and I love to write. Though I have neglected my career for more than a year, I don't have to start over. I can pick right up where I had left off.  I am back in the driver's seat.  I am finding my voice, again, and it feels really good.