Beginning a Meditation Practice

While I was at the gym this morning, I ran into a friend of mine. We chatted for a little while and figured out that we had something in common. We have both sometimes found ourselves with an overload of rage, which is not typical for either of us. There are many different ways to deal with our feelings, but I have found meditation to be a miracle for me so I recommended to her that she give it a try. She asked me a few questions about how to get started and I realized that it might be helpful for others to create a post about it.
When you’re ready to start meditating, you may be unsure of how to begin. The best way to start your practice is to just give it a shot. Here is a simple meditation for you to try. Start with only a few minutes and build up as you become acclimated and more able to center yourself into stillness.
Many experts suggest your meditation be in the morning, but any time is a good time for peace. Find a comfortable place where you will not be disturbed, away from distractions.  Leave your phone in another room so that you are not tempted to check it. Sit in a comfortable chair, on a pillow, or in your bed. You can ground yourself by keeping your feet on the floor, or if it feels comfortable, you can sit cross legged, which is also called easy pose.

To tap into your connection with the universe, sit up straight but not straining, and place your palms upward on your knees or lap. The idea is to get comfortable, but also to signal your receptivity to the guidance you wish to receive. Your pose should be something you are able to maintain during the entire meditation. Roll your eyes in and upward, focusing on your third eye in the center of your forehead.  You may enjoy some soothing nature sounds or calming music. There are also many guided meditation albums available which are fantastic, especially for beginners.

Proper breathing is imperative. Take your breath in through your nose, slowly and deeply. Allow your breath to exit your mouth completely. Keep your breathing slow and steady, deepening with each pass. When you breathe in, let your diaphragm expand, and as you exhale, it will contract. This is called yogic breath. Focusing on your breath helps to remove the likelihood of idle thoughts distracting you. As a meditation beginner, you may discover that your mind likes to wander a lot. This is normal. Allow those thoughts to pass and return your attention to your breath. Keep focusing on your breath, in your nose and out your mouth. Sometimes, you may find that simply focusing on the breath and letting your body relax causes a tingling sensation in your hands or feet. You may also notice twitching in your muscles. These are normal reactions known as the relaxation response where the parasympathetic nervous system is activated and that's exactly what you want. We spend so little time allowing the parasympathetic nervous system to conduct the repairs and regeneration it is meant to do to restore us to optimal health.

Try these mantras out as you sit in stillness.

As you breathe in: I love myself.

As you breathe out: I release judgement.

Breathe in: I accept myself as I am.

Breathe out: I release negativity.

Breathe in: I am whole and loved.

Breathe out: I release fear.

Reminding yourself of these mantras throughout the day when you're not meditating helps to rewire your brain.  You'll become more likely to release negativity as it happens and reenter peace thereafter because you will no longer want to attach yourself to the mental drama you set on repeat.  You release it and it's over. 

Remember, meditation is a practice.  You'll get better with each attempt.  Start small and release your expectations.  Mastery will eventually come to you, as long as you simply begin.'

If you enjoyed this post or you have a questions, please leave a comment.  To find out more about my work and coaching services, visit my website at www.joannasantanen.com and sign up Club Love email updates.

Your desired feelings

You might think you know yourself pretty well.  You love ballet, babies and watching Scandal.  You dislike mayo and rude people.  Those are aspects of yourself, yes, but they are part of your personality, not your soul.  Soul has nothing to do with mayonnaise.

Truly knowing yourself means getting back in touch with your soul.  Letting your light shine through everything you do because it is in alignment with your greater purpose.  Not sure what your greater purpose is just yet?  Let's take a look at what your soul wants.

The best way to start to know what your soul wants is to think of the things you do for enjoyment.  These activities might not pay the bills but you do them simply because you like the FEELING of them.  I paint, not to produce sale-worthy art, just because I think painting is fun.  I get a feeling of pleasure from the activity.  That feeling or emotion, which might be described as pride, self-love, ecstasy, bliss, satisfaction (and the the list goes on...) is the thing I'm actually trying to bring to me.  It's what my soul wants.

Designing your life around what kind of feelings you want to experience will help you realize that you don't have to be "there" to find those emotions day-to-day.  You can cultivate joy today by doing whatever brings that feeling for you.  Growth is a feeling I want to enjoy more, so I make sure I take the small actions to help me feel like I am working on bettering myself (Hello, Madame Elliptical.  We meet again.).

What are the primary feelings you want to experience in your day to day life? What are some ways that you can take small steps toward feeling those emotions everyday?  I'd love to hear about your journey.  In the comments, share your story about finding out what your soul wants.  You will likely inspire others to do the same!

Dating and Parenting Are Not Mutually Exclusive

For the parents who love to use their children as a way to protect themselves from the "danger" of a relationship: quit it.  You’re only hurting yourself and preventing your children from having the opportunity to learn from another loving person.  I was raised by a single mom after my dad passed when I was little.  While I respect that my mother was able to handle it all on her own, she also missed the opportunity to be loved by a man and denied me the chance to have another father figure in my life.

“No one will want to date someone with (so many) kids.”

One, two or ten children, parents need love just as much as anyone else.  A friend of mine married a man with six children when she had none herself.  She delights in being a stepmother to his children, and finds fulfillment that she wouldn’t have with a non-parent.  Sure, blended families have their unique challenges, but that doesn’t mean that everyone isn’t better off for being together. My friend’s marriage just goes to show that just because you have children, even if you have lots of children, it doesn’t eliminate the opportunity for you to find true love.  If her husband had believed that, she never would have met him and found the happiness that they share.

“I’m worried my partner will try to raise my children for me.”

This might seem like a wise parenting decision, but it’s more an excuse not to put yourself at risk, rather than protecting your children.  Obviously, if you find yourself with a partner who wants to weigh in on your parenting, you should listen but remain in control of your decisions.  Another person’s input may actually be a good thing, especially if they’re coming from a place of love.  You hold the power to veto anything you don’t agree with, and set boundaries that your partner needs to respect. 

“I don’t want my children to be forced to share my attention with another person.”

This is a sticky one because while your children should be at the top of your priority list, they should also learn that you are human, and deserve to have a loving partner.  This excuse would never even come into play if you were in a nuclear family scenario.  Mommy and Daddy aren’t doing anything wrong by loving each other when baby comes along.  More importantly, no good comes from children who never know adversity of any kind, and frankly, if sharing your attention with another person is their greatest challenge, they’re doing great.  A balance between togetherness time with the children and alone-time needs to be a priority, so that the kids feel loved and nurtured, but so does your relationship with your partner.

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3 Reasons You're Still Single

Here's few more reasons you've probably been telling yourself for why you're still single when you don't want to be.  

“I’m too shy to meet new people.”  

At one point, every person you know was someone new in your life.  Some relationships are easier to start than others (family members, for example) but you had to begin somewhere with all of your friends, co-workers and neighbors.  Remember when you were a kid and you saw another child playing on the slide and you’d just say “Hi! Want to be friends?” without a second thought? It was that easy then, and it still is!

Maybe that wasn’t your way of making friends as a kid, maybe you were the child who’d rather just sit on the swings alone, for fear of being made to feel inadequate by the other kids.  If that was the case, how’d that work out for you? You probably spent a lot of time feeling lonely, wishing you had a friend.  Now that you’re an adult, I’m sure it’s rather obvious that waiting for everyone else to come to you sure doesn’t work in the real world.  If you have ever had to go on a job interview, you know that staying silent simply won’t get you the job offer.  The same is true when it comes to dating.  I know it can be hard to put yourself out there when you’re really shy, but I assure you, it is the only way to make any change.  Overcoming your fears in the best way to conquer them and grow as an individual.  Shyness is a crutch that keeps you playing it safe and seldom winning, and you need to let go of your irrational fear that you will be chastised for sparking up a conversation with another person.  Moreover, you may not even realize that your shyness is evident to others, even when you say nothing.  Others can perceive your closed-off energy, and they probably mistake your shyness for snobbery or negativity.  While you’re worried that they don’t like you, you look like you don’t like them!

“I’ve been open to a relationship for years, but I’ve never met anyone.”

Well, that’s a flat-out lie.  No matter how much you think you’ve been passed over, there is no doubt you’ve met someone who would have been happy to date you if you hadn’t been closed off to the concept that someone else might find you attractive.  When you’re shy, low on self-confidence/self-worth or worried that you’ll be rejected, you appear to your potential "candidates" as being uninterested in dating, or worse, unimpressed by them in particular.  You unconsciously slammed the door shut on them before they ever had a chance to say hello.

“I get really nervous on dates and look like a psycho.”

Even the most confident among us still gets nervous.  No doubt every entertainer gets nervous before a show and being on stage in front of thousands is literally their job! Your date is nervous, too (even if they don’t show it).  I find nervousness to be a good thing and here’s why.  When you’re nervous, you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone.  You’re GROWING! You’re making progress.  Everything takes practice and apprehension is a normal first stage.  You will make it through that uncomfortable zone if you stick with it.  You have to keep trying to get better.  Also, if you're nervous, don't worry about letting your date see that.  The fact that you're nervous will likely alleviate some of their feelings too, and you can find common ground in the fact that dating is nerve-racking!

Try to accept that nerves are a part of the growing process and you CAN overcome them, even though they might seem insurmountable.  Many of our deep-seated fears are simply illusions we must see as such and nervousness is no exception.  Don't worry: you're not a psycho, you're normal.

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Eating Candy in Fat Prison

I used to be morbidly obese. I was what I would call mega fat. I mean, crazy, ridiculous, can-barely-move fat. It was an awful life. My body was became incarceration for my soul, rather than a vehicle to express it. My body was a prison made from fat that I could not escape. Just getting out of the recliner was a heavy-ho effort that often made my back and knees creak painfully. I was well over one hundred pounds overweight by my twenty seventh birthday and had the energy level of a terminally ill senior citizen. My life was miserable.

I went on a business trip when I was at my heaviest and the seat belt barely fit my belly. I was horrified. I am a nervous flyer and MUST HAVE my seat belt on for sanity’s sake. I kept it painfully buckled over my enormous lap, cutting into my stomach rather deeply for an eight hour flight. It was a wake up call that took almost another year for me to finally see as such. My denial was so strong that I actually blamed the design of the plane rather than accept the idea that I was getting too big to fit in an airplane seat as a short, twenty-something woman. I was fucking delusional but had no idea that I was.

I wasn’t overweight until after I lost my father at age seven. Emotional overeating is certainly a common way to deal with grief and I used that coping mechanism to my best advantage. I sought comfort in pizza and Mike 'N Ike's with reckless abandon. 

My family members were also overweight and so there wasn’t a good example of how to eat nutritiously as much as how to eat for optimal flavor. Our portions were huge, sweets and carbs were plentiful and fresh produce was rare. Over the course of my lifetime, I’ve gained and lost more than 300 pounds because my upbringing and the way I viewed food. My fat battle has raged on for decades because of long-held beliefs that were working against me. Several times over, I’ve steadily climbed up in weight, lost a bunch and then gained it back, with interest. It was infuriating. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just stay slim. It looked easy for other people, but I was hiking uphill all the time.

I started dieting in elementary school but couldn’t stick to it until high school. After going through my sophomore and junior years of high school at over 200 pounds on my five-foot-one frame, I wanted to get into better shape for my senior year. I knew that I wanted to have a fun, active lifestyle and the only way to do that was to start exercising. I lost seventy pounds that summer – by starting to jog a mile every day and eating only chips and salsa (bizarre choice, but they’re my favorite!). Oh, and I smoked two packs of Marlboros and put down a six pack of Diet Coke on the daily. When you’re seventeen, you care about being skinny, not being healthy.
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Creating an Attractive Online Dating Profile

You've finally decided it's time to put your worries aside and start dating online. Great!  Now, you probably already know what you're looking for in a partner, but you're having trouble figuring out how to advertise yourself without feeling like an egocentric lunatic.
Set aside the idea that you're being vane or conceited by creating a profile, and realize that the only way someone will find you is through your profile.  The better your profile, the more likely you'll be to attract the person you're interested in.
What makes a great online dating profile?
First and foremost, honesty.  If you're overweight, admit it.  Don't use a photo of you 50 pounds lighter from ten years ago.   Don't describe yourself as athletic if you haven't been to the gym in over a year. Remember that it will only cause you to appear deceitful if you're dishonest about how you look or how old you are.  You want to be seen for your authentic self, who you really are inside and out, because that's where true love lies.
Sometimes it is hard to see ourselves objectively and we get bogged down about how someone else is going to perceive us.  Don't worry about that.  Think about what your interests are, the things you're passionate about and the experiences you've had.  If you love kayaking, watching movies and metal bands, say so! There's no wrong answer.  Love World of Warcraft? Sweet - maybe you'll meet someone who feels the same way! 
If you're having trouble typing it up in sentence form on your profile, start with a list.  I like to write it down by hand, because somehow, it makes it easier to let the ideas flow.  Create your list of interests and then turn that into sentences.  For example:
My Interests
Health & Wellness 
Art - reading, writing, painting, drawing
Fashion, Beauty & Interior Design
Video games - Mario & Zelda fanatic
My profile could say:
I'm an active woman who likes to stay fit and eat well.  I value my health and take good care of myself.  With my free time, I enjoy reading and writing, drawing and painting.  My other interests include fashion, beauty and interior design.  I also love my Wii U video games.  My favorites are MarioKart and Zelda!
Don't worry about being too fancy.  Just be real, and for crying out loud, use proper grammar.  Your potential date shouldn't have to decipher your bizarre emoji prose.  Before you know it, you'll have a short but sweet blurb about yourself.  Avoid saying too much on your profile.  Save something to be discovered by conversing!



The profile picture is crucial.  We might be superficial but the reality is that we all want someone who is attractive to us.  Your potential date can't tell if they're attracted to you unless you show them your shining face.  Here's some tips for choosing an appropriate and flattering photo.
You need to be the only subject of the photo.  Its too confusing if they are other people in your pictures.  This is where you're supposed to be reflecting YOU, not your bestie or your neighbor.
Your main picture ought to be one in which the viewer can easily see your eyes.  I like the mystique of a good old sunglasses selfie, but you shouldn't use that as your main photo.  Pick a photo that is flattering, but shows your face clearly.

A head shot works best for your main picture, as full-body shots usually make it more difficult to see your face.  Far perspective action shots are cool and a favorite among men.  They do have their place on your profile.  It's really awesome to see you riding your motorcycle/jet-ski/surfboard from a far, but it doesn't differentiate you from another rider/jet-skier/surfer.  Selecting a main picture of you sitting on your bike or board where your face can be easily seen would work much better for your main profile photo.  However, there's nothing wrong with including some photos of you doing things that you enjoy, and in fact, it shows how active and fun a person you are. Just be sure to show YOU, not your toys.

Liked this article? Stay tuned for more excerpts from Perpetually Single: How to Get Out of Your Own Way to Find Love, which launches Fall 2015. 

Perpetually Single? Part Two

If you're single, you've probably uttered one of these reasons why you're not dating.  If so, you might want to reconsider your train of thought.  Check it out.
"Online dating is desperate."
This is a huge hot button for me because I found the love of my life online and two of my best friends found glorious, loving relationships through online dating as well.  Sure, there's a possibility that you might not find what you're looking for, but the same is true of the Target clearance shelf and you still investigate it nonetheless.  Sometimes, you have to wade through the weeds to the find the fruit.
Many are ready and willing to date but don't know how to go about meeting other singles.  Where might these people turn to find lots of other like-minded individuals?  The internet, of course!  This is where the vast majority of relationships start, even if some couples think its taboo to admit to having met online. Putting up a modest profile (with an honest but flattering photo) on most any site gives you the opportunity to start looking for a good match.  Online dating enables you to select someone based on qualifications like age, location, shared hobbies or career aspirations. You are choosing your ideal match from the catalog of candidates. Brilliant.
"Online dating is dangerous."
So is driving a car.  Get over it.  Being savvy about who you engage with comes with practice and experience.  Be smart about who you meet and how.  Always make sure someone else knows your plans and always meet in public.
"Online dating is expensive."
This is true of several of the more popular dating sites.  Let's first note that its not near as high as what you're spending on lattes in a month, but it is an unnecessary expense, nonetheless.  You don't have to use a pay site to find a good match, though paying for the service of a dating site seems to denote commitment to the concept of finding a real relationship for both parties.  However, that's a blanket assumption that idea doesn't take into account that a "relationship" is defined very differently by each individual, and what one calls a serious committed relationship another might say is just a casual fling.  Your commitment to finding a compatible match is what matters.  Ultimately, you'll know if someone is looking for the real thing and if they're not.
"Online daters are just looking for sex."
Yes. And so are you!  Sex is a huge part of the joy of a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to find that connection with another.  Thinking that it's taboo to want to find a sexual partner is just backward when it's literally an instinctual drive of our being.  Sure, there are plenty of players who are just looking for their next conquest.  It's your job to figure out which ones are just trolling. You'll know if someone is being authentic and serious about looking for a relationship or whether they're just looking for some hanky-panky.  The dead give away of the latter is when your communication includes the topic of sex really quickly.  Red flag.  A respectful, potential mate will not violate such a rigid boundary immediately.  You wouldn't meet a stranger and then start speaking completely candidly about sex as part of your first conversation.  The same is true of online dating.  
"No one will be interested in me."
The universe has a magnificent duality about it.  It always balances out the light and dark, the yen and yang.  Whatever you are, however you look, I assure you that there is someone out there searching for just that.  Let them find you and appreciate you as you are.  Don't worry about being rejected.  Instead, focus on what you can bring to a relationship.  Why would they want to spend their time with you? Because you're freakin' awesome. You are already a work of art as is, so showcase it! (Watch for Creating an Attractive Online Dating Profile coming next week for more tips on how to show off your fabulous self online!)

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